Superman says:
As a man of habit I stick to things I like and know and stick to the mantra “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it”. My intention with this blog is simple – I am fighting the good fight of people who would like a plate of food without the bullshit. Don’t feed me vegetables with a side of steak. If I order Mongolian Lamb I didn't order a plate of fucking onions and capsicums - stop cost-saving and give me my lamb! A pizza doesn’t come with eighteen toppings – have you been to Italy? A burger should not contain a pickle, nor should it contain cheap tomato sauce (unless at Oporto, in which case give me extra kthnxby). In case you haven’t worked out the theme yet, meat and cheese only derives from a simple ordering technique that one needs to employ to alleviate the mess that finds its way onto my plate – tell them to hold the shit and put only the good stuff in.
This isn’t without flaw. The good fight against the foods one doesn’t like is certainly not without incident. In high school I went into a McDonalds and ordered a burger “meat and cheese only” (a.k.a. The Burger known in a very non-P.C. way as being somewhat irregular, deviate or unusual). Sidebar: censorship on my first post! Oh no! ... Because such a simple concept is too creative for the employees, I ended up getting a bun with nothing on it. McDonalds 1 Superman 0.
Also, ordering pizza can be a struggle. When asking for “meat and cheese only” (or in pizza’s case: “ham and cheese only”), this concept can be too non-conformist for knob employees. When met with that 10 second heavy-breathing silence as their brains try to process the order that is clearly not explicitly on the menu, you must do the heavy lifting for them:
- Option A (works 33.33% of the time): Margherita plus Ham. Tell the half stoned, 12 year old employee that they need to bill you for a margherita pizza with the additional cost of the added ham. It can also be polite to call them a moron at the end of such an explanation.
- Option B (works 66.67% of the time): Hawaiian minus Pineapple. Now I don’t know what Hawaiians have to do with a traditional pizza menu, but OK, I’ll roll with the punches. Pineapple on a pizza? I’d rather a turd sandwich. Anyway, telling the employee that you will pay the normal Hawaiian cost, despite the missing ingredient is a MUST. I can’t begin to tell you how many times their pea-sized heads shrivel into obscurity trying to deconstruct the pizza costs to work out the individual costs of toppings trying to work out how much the Pineapple is worth on a pizza. In my mind, fiscally speaking, the true cost of Pineapple on a slice of pizza is a slap in the fucking head. Next you will be putting all the other ‘juices’ on a pizza: oranges, apples, mangoes. What the fuck? Give me my ham and cheese. And hold the spit when you make it. I don’t like the taste of your disdain.
Now that you get the idea of the eternal fight, my next posts will revel in the ingredients I don’t like. As a preview, it is internationally agreeable that coriander is Satan.
Superman out. The fight against bullshit food continues. We will prevail.
